Sting

sting and trudieIn a country, where, once, eight pints and a bun burger constituted foreplay, I was fascinated to read, in this very newspaper, that when it comes to burning calories and losing weight, in activity terms, foreplay is the equivalent of running for the bus. How did Sting and his wife Trudie Styler survive their bouts of Tantric sex that sometimes supposedly lasted eight hours? All that “running for the bus” must have had them fit as fiddles and thin as rakes.

“Running for the bus” might well become a useful bit of shorthand for stressed out couples, who have to commute to work. Long hours and tired bodies are hard on relationships. With no real time to spend on romantic niceties, the male in the relationship could cut to the chase. “How’s about a bit of running for the bus and a six minute journey?”

In the old days, women were much more circumspect and not so outspoken and frank about sex. The female might acquiesce, by saying something like, “the bus is waiting to be serviced.” Or conversely, she might find an exit strategy by saying the “mechanic” has a headache.

Women deserve better information. Scientists have proved that female orgasm can relieve migraine and intense headaches, sometimes eliminating them totally, because an orgasm sends a greater flow of blood to the brain and ameliorates the intensity at the expense of the headache. So, on further examination, it might be better for a woman to allow the “runner” catch up to the bus.

I started wondering, whether, at the time of their experiments, the scientists had worked on the basis that everyone’s speed in “running for the bus,” was uniform. If they did and you liked your vice to be versa, this would appeal to you as a sexual variation of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. You can know where the “runner” is, but you can never know at what speed the “bus” is coming. If the guy they used in the measuring experiment of “running for a bus” was young and fit, he was going to “run for the bus” quicker than the middle aged and old men. In fact, the greybeards often lose out by having no input into the “running for the bus” debate and just get fatter and more unfit, cowed by the tyranny of the all-purpose, passion-killing ”headache,” which scotches all hopes of losing a few ounces, courtesy of amour.

All this scenario is short of is a sign over the bed that you are more likely to see in certain bars, where they don’t cash cheques. WE HOPE A REFUSAL WILL NOT OFFEND.

Women should be told more often how much benefit comes from orgasms. The pleasure chemicals kick in, especially oxytocin, which works as a bonding agent and creates feelings of fondness that make one demonstrably affectionate.

Regular sex is credited with stimulating the brain’s pleasure centre, which produces oxytocin and dopamine and also creates the desire to return to your partner, again and again. The good news for men, especially older men, is that regular sex, if you can find it, cuts down on the instances of prostate cancer in the ancient geezer department, which where I now reside. The word from researchers is that ten ejaculations a month will act as a barrier to cancer.

If there was any chance of a ten-times-a month quota being imposed, I suspect Eamonn Gilmore might have to bring back Bill Clinton and George Mitchell to handle the negotiations with the womenfolk. Bill has oodles of sexual information to dispense and George could be the decommissioning hand on men with over enthusiastic hormones, because in the hands of the menfolk, emotional blackmail would become rampant on the lines of  “would you rather I got cancer than you come running for the bus” with me for the “six minute journey.”

And before anybody writes this off, there is a beneficial effect from such frequency. Mens’ plumbing is not as complicated as womens’, but its clunky enough. The honourable member can become blocked and the sperm can be reabsorbed by the prostate, which apparently is not good for you. Experts say that sperm needs to be flushed out regularly, the same way you would maintain the pipe under your kitchen sink. The cleansing allows new cells replace the older cells, which may turn cancerous.

A study conducted in America found that the men who had the most orgasms, earned themselves a better chance of avoiding prostate cancer, by as much as thirty per cent.

And what about the “six minute journey” I mentioned a couple of times earlier. Well in Canada, they say an act of congress, can last for up to thirty minutes, but I think that’s because there’s nothing else to do in Canada. Elsewhere, including us, the average is estimated to be about 15 minutes. At least we thought it was, until the ubiquitous, pesky researchers, queered the pitch once again, by establishing that six minutes is the mean average time.

A nine minute discrepancy is hard to swallow. I can only conclude that these researchers skipped the “running for the bus” and climbed straight  on board.

Article Written by Shay Healy 
First Published in The Irish Daily Mail 
Saturday 15th February 2014 
 
Shay Healy’s latest eBook ‘The Danny Boy Triangle’ is Out Now on Kindle 2.99
 
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About shayhealyblog

Shay Healy is a multi-media artist from Dublin Ireland, who has been in the music business all his life. His song “What’s Another Year”sung by Johnny Logan won the 1980 Eurovision Song Contest. He has written two musicals, The Knowledge and The Wiremen. As a television host, Shay is famous for a cult chat show, Nighthawks and on the other side of the camera, he has made over 12 documentary films, including “The Rocker-A Portrait of Phil Lynott” ,“First Lady”-A Portrait of Tammy Wynette ” and “Roy Rogers-King of The Cowboys. The Danny Boy Triangle (3 Books in 1) is now available to buy on Amazon
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One Response to Sting

  1. ucronin says:

    Congratulations!

    I have nominated your blog for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

    More on this nomination is at

    http://ucronin.wordpress.com/2014/03/02/very-inspiring-blogger-award-thanks-petrel41/

    Regards,

    Ultan

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