As Hogan cracks his eggs we find he’s no Fanny Cradock…#Irishwater

phil hogan - phanny dradock 4 shot chefsOh no! Not another celebrity cookery show. Hulk Hogan’s Omelettes De jour will see Phil joining Nigella, Nevin, Dylan, Marco Pierre and all the other kitchen icons, in the frontline of the food business. But for the show to be a success, it is crucial how The Hulk pitches himself. Should he be amiable like Jamie, unfussy like Rachel, eccentric like Marco Pierre, nice as Nevin or should he just play himself as the Minister for the Environment, who always seem to be one intake of breath away from saying “f…k off the lot of you.”

phil hogan cold tap waterThe Hulk is getting a hard time from the media at the moment. He apparently broke too many eggs and didn’t use his head to keep an eye on his ingredients, which resulted in a very unsavoury omelette that cost us 50 million of the 100 million spent so far on Irish Water. Hulk hadn’t noticed the 50 million euros were used for advice and consultations with outsiders. Confident that it wasn’t his fault, Phil pointed the finger at his kitchen cabinet. The Hulk wasn’t going to allow himself, as minister, to fall into the trap of becoming The Little Red Hen, having to do everything himself.

Of course there was a simple answer as to why The Hulk didn’t know.  As a busy executive chef, Phil says he doesn’t micro manage what goes on in the kitchen. He doesn’t need to know what’s in the fridge or the freezer. When he’s not there, his kitchen staff run the business and knowing how much pressure he has to soak up, they spared him the gory details of this storm in an eggcup.

phil hogan - eggs pan - failureWell I’ll tell you straight Phil, your omelette is dire and unfluffy and perhaps a bit more attention from you as to what’s going on in the heat of the kitchen, would mean a better omelette. None of this might have happened had Alan “Iron”Dukes not being so arrogant. He was first elected to the board of Anglo Irish Bank as the “public interest” representative. He must have underestimated our interest, because I don’t remember him ever piping up on our behalf. Anyway, he went on to become the chairman of the board at the failed bank and now he works for IBRC (Nama) as non-executive chairman. But he will be remembered most for his smug taunt to the media, from the loftiness of his high intellect, when he said they were ”not asking the right questions.”

After several denials. Dukes admitted that he had known about the Anglo tapes since last Summer, but he had done nothing about them. Sinn Fein’s “Joan of Nark” Mary Lou McDonald, demanded details of when and how “Iron” Dukes had found out about the tapes and why he had done nothing about them.

Dukes’s old compadre from the Dail, Michael “Millins” Noonan,  jumped rather ungracefully to his rescue.

“The Gardai are the people who investigate crime in this country. They have a statutory right to gather the evidence and other people shouldn’t be mucking around in Garda business because there is the risk of contaminated evidence. “

A lot more than the evidence of the Anglo tapes has contaminated Irish business, banking and politics, so it was a thrilling surprise when Sean O’Rourke, on the radio, unexpectedly avenged the “Iron” Dukes’ taunt, broke the spell and asked the RIGHT question of Irish Water “Head Bottlewasher” John Tierney. Almost gauchely, Tierney divulged that of the 100 million Irish Water had already spent, 50 million euro was expended on consultants.

phil hogan front page daily mailHulk Hogan’s lack of awareness of the 50 (now €88m) million spend on consultants, found him wrestled with the English language, as he explained on tv how he was too busy to know what was going on in his own department. espite our happiness on discovering that our minister is working so hard, when Phil started breaking eggs and making omelettes, the merde collided with the fan. Maitre D, Enda “Pimpernel” Kenny, told patrons that he had carefully scrutinized the Hulk’s menu and as far as he could see, it was good value for money, as he always knew it would be.

phil hogan -  prepeare to be forked picA good result from the brouhaha is that the Head Bottlewasher declared that Irish Water will not be hiding behind the FOI. Everything to do with the business will be as crystal clear as the water we’ll pay for. No secrets, no top-ups, no ancillary payments. Well not quite. The workers in Irish Water will receive a €7000 bonus at the end of the year, which the Head Bottlewasher told us was 10 percent of the average salary.

An average salary of €70,000.  Smell that gravy. But, what do the staff have to do in order to earn such a bonus.

“Every one employee has the opportunity based on performance,” Mr Tierney said. “If somebody competes in an open competition for a post, they apply and compete on the basis of the conditions set within the structure of Irish Water for the post.”

The Head Bottlewasher said it was “quite humbling” to work with such motivated staff.

Maybe its just a typo, a H instead of a B.

phil hogan -  ramsay the crab is so uundercooked

Article Written by Shay Healy
First Published in The Irish Daily Mail,
Saturday 18th January 2014 
Shay Healy’s latest eBook ‘The Danny Boy Triangle’ is Out Now on Kindle 2.99
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About shayhealyblog

Shay Healy is a multi-media artist from Dublin Ireland, who has been in the music business all his life. His song “What’s Another Year”sung by Johnny Logan won the 1980 Eurovision Song Contest. He has written two musicals, The Knowledge and The Wiremen. As a television host, Shay is famous for a cult chat show, Nighthawks and on the other side of the camera, he has made over 12 documentary films, including “The Rocker-A Portrait of Phil Lynott” ,“First Lady”-A Portrait of Tammy Wynette ” and “Roy Rogers-King of The Cowboys. The Danny Boy Triangle (3 Books in 1) is now available to buy on Amazon
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